Agh, goodness, this is why I haven't written a blog for a while... let's get to the point...
The point is, I have been struggling. This time last year I was 'pouring my heart out in gratitude' for everything and getting up early to practice everyday and paying to hire a practice space and aiming high high high. And this year, struggling with finances and with a mum really suffering very much now with Alzheimer's... I feel that, rather than pouring my heart out, I am having to hold my heart in. Be gentle with my heart, preserve my heart, make sure that there is enough to go round. Not just my heart, but my head.
At the beginning of the year I was preparing audition pieces, entering competitions, constantly looking out for funding opportunities and further studying opportunities. And now, I have stopped.
I am asking the question WHY am I striving? WHY do I need to maintain my technique? WHY do I need to play the flute? I can't really continue until I know. I KNOW that I do need to. There isn't any question over the fact that I will continue. But I can't really continue in earnest until, until something.
I am casting aside habits and assumptions. I am casting aside aches and pains and things that squeeze my heart too much (there is enough of that in life anyway), and I will find my way. I am doing afew other things, walking, bouncing around with Davina McCall discovering muscles I never knew I had, throwing out stuff, looking after some other stuff. I really really really want to do it all, but it really really really isn't possible. A 'whole musician' will never fit a mould. 'Doing it all' is based on assumptions of what 'it all' is. I will be a whole musician. A whole person. I just feel very mutable but possible right now.